GATHERING FOR GROWTH

How is this night different from all other nights

​The irony of this article hits me profoundly as I sit confined through Lockdown no. 7  in Melbourne Australia , August 2021 .  I  wistfully reminisce personal  gatherings over the past years , across cultures and countries.   Surreal.    Right now it is an “offence” to visit your neighbor.     
Looking at gatherings in a new light.  The deeper side of coming together , social aspects we identify with  but hesitate to implement as we get caught up with form ,  social norms ,  expectations, and the done thing.    
Over the last two years,  Covid has wreaked havoc on personal and commercial gatherings with its dark shadow of uncertainty,   causing us to sorely miss as well as rethink simple events that we once took for granted .     Like everyone else , I  too am viewing “coming together” with a new lens and resolve to give every occasion , regardless of size , more significance , when we resume.  On the flip side ,  politely decline those I  might not resonate with , rather than go with the motions.     In more ways than one,  worldwide ,  gatherings will most probably never be the same again.  
Gratitude to my  daughter ,  for shining the light on  
Priya Parker , author of  “On the Art of  Gathering”. 
Taken up with this charismatic lady who speaks very intentionally on the Importance and the Nuances of human “gatherings” and “events”.   How we get bogged down with external details and appearances,  often overlooking completely intention and humanity.    

Some takeaways from Priya Parker’s interviews , podcasts and book summaries :  

Purpose is Paramount

• Begin with the need and not the format.   We get caught in the “form” and forget the essence , the invaluable , the unique.   What matters is the intent of the event , the spirit ,  the people , and NOT the lighting , the cutlery , and the canapes.  
• Gatherings tend to get confused with hostessing .  
• Every occasion has a purpose.  Replicate , modify the form to suit the purpose.  Not the other way around.  
• A category is not a purpose for a gathering  ((  e.g.  a board meeting , a wedding , a baby shower  ))  .
• Purpose cannot be ASSUMED.   SPECIFICITY is key ( as with anything in life, really ! )  Vague goals can only give vague results.  
• We need to commit to this “bold sharp purpose” and not get lost  in conventional form.
• Creating transformative , new , memorable experiences vs the old staid methods ( that were most likely in response to some other prevalent need at the time )  .  Think outside the realm of social “skeumorphia” (( link ))
• Build a structure that contains a unique part of yourself.   Forget the norms ,  the archetypical expectations that people have ( or worse still , you think that people have )  
• Craft the gathering such that  everyone is  “marching to the same time ( your time 😊  )  ,   and yet has the freedom to  dance to their own beat “

 
Tap into the uniqueness of every gathering   

• The PASSOVER PRINCIPLE – HOW IS THIS NIGHT DIFFERENT FROM ALL OTHER NIGHTS ???? 
• The event is the culmination of pregame efforts.   Hours , days or weeks.   It is the unseen care , attentiveness and prior planning that shape it.   The blank canvas on which you create a suitable backdrop. 
• “Generous Authority” – being firm about certain non-negotiable “rules” ,  if these rules will definitely and positively contribute to the outcome of the gathering.   E.g. Prohibited mobile phones in a cinema .
• “Healthy Conflict”  vs  “Unhealthy Peace” -  one’s inability , refusal to see , to name the fracture in front of you.   If there were more “Healthy Conflict” in the world , there might be a lot less violence  ( Priya Parker )   
• Cultivate those awkward social moments that could lead to greater understanding.  
• Cultivate a little “HEAT” and healthy controversy now and again. 
• Eradicate the fear of “imposition” – take people up on their kindness to help , to participate , to contribute.   Supermen and women get flustered too. 

 
Events are rooted in the self

• AUTHENTICITY wins  – It’s not the most charismatic ,  the best cooks , or the funniest joke-tellers that host the most memorable gatherings.    Don’t you sometimes feel very relaxed with a scattered but sincere host ?   I’ve secretly admired their confidence and self assurance.    Not afraid of being judged , of letting others catch a  very real glimpse of their homes and lives. 
• 'Health' in Hindi, स्वास्थ्य [swaasthya], means “seated within oneself”.   A solid self and inner core precedes meaningful hospitality.  
• What is it that you know how to do ?  Where is the need ? How can I help ?  ( Questions that we can ask ourselves at any crossroad – be it an event , a career , or  even planning a day. 
• ENVISION – EMBODY – ENACT 

 
The Age of Virtual Gatherings 
 

• The snow-balling of virtual events is happening all too rapidly.   We switch environments hour to hour without the tradition of going through a door , walking or driving to our destination ,  no shoes to kick off , no coat to hang ,  no rituals of extended greeting and warming up to the event.   We can be working out one hour ,  in a corporate meeting the next , at a birthday party after  …..  without ever leaving the room.   We are still coming to terms (struggling ? ) with this virtual agility. 
• Just like a palette needs to be cleansed between  meal courses , our minds needs a mental door to open and close !
• “ZOOM” is what  you make of it.  Same principles can apply -  Rituals ,  Generous authority to guide guests ,  Rooms within to create context and space separation.   Zoom is a place , and not the host.    
• The devilish “mute” button that can zone us out at will should we desire !   A little trick that is not really possible in a physical space.
• Lots to be explored -   Awareness and etiquette at virtual gatherings.   Benefits of global gatherings which were not otherwise possible .   Sadness when the physical is sometimes replaced with the virtual .    Podcast gatherings – awareness of the unseen listener , separated by time and space , visibility …. It’s a whole new world.    

 
A personal spin

• I  love the envisioning process of a gathering   - the planning and the organization , the build up of anticipation.  Though I must confess that I am almost ALWAYS consumed by panic as the event draws near .  It is only when the first couple of dishes are cooked . a day before ,  and ready with decorative finishing touches , that I relax and begin to feel more confident.   ((  Sadly , there lies a typical example of fussing with the external prompts that I need to change ))
• When I was young , I allowed my stutter to come in the way of active social participation.    Hence I resorted to mental divisions .   I’d think that  “organization” was my baby , and left the “entertainment” to Len ,   who was a talkative and gracious host in my eyes.  I would either be consumed by “efficiency” wanting things to be just so ,   or by fear at having to make stammering introductions , and hide in busy-ness.   
• I might also feel a sense of sadness at the end of the evening , without even knowing exactly why.  Mostly friends would go out of their way to compliment us on the fun they would have had , but in my heart , something was often  missing .  Maybe a dot of authenticity ?  Maybe more chill factor  ? 
• I am looking forward to lockdowns ending and the world coming together in a meaningful way.   Something has changed in all of us  -  likely improved levels of empathy , compassion , sincerity … and a true feeling of equitability.  ​

​
COVID has opened our hearts to the beauty of gatherings and relationships  .    
“SIMPLE , HONEST WAYS TO HONOUR EACH OTHER AND FACE WHAT IS”  
The currency of “Coming Together” has gone up , more than the Pfizer share price right now.

​SNAPSHOT ON PRIYA PARKER   
Besides the USA ,  Priya Parker grew up across diverse countries and cultures as a very young child  .  She was raised by her Indian mother and American father  ( Vegetarian , free spirited , incense-burning  vs  Evangelical , conventional , church going ) . They later divorced,  quickly remarried within a year ,  and with joint custody of Priya ,  her youth was a constant swap between households and habits .   
She is a facilitator, strategic advisor, acclaimed author of The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why it Matters and the host of the New York Times podcast, Together Apart.   Priya has trained in the field of conflict resolution, has worked on race relations on American college campuses and on peace processes in the Arab world, southern Africa, and India. 
 

The New Rules of Gathering Guide includes:
Rule #1. Give Your Gathering a Purpose
Rule #2. Make Purpose Your Bouncer
Rule #3. Design Your Invitation To Persuade
Rule #4. Ditch Etiquette For Rules (And Create A More Playful World)
Rule #5. Close With Intention
 

“The way we gather matters.” The opening line of Priya Parker’s The Art of Gathering elegantly and succinctly sums up the focus of this book, which is jam-packed with useful and inspiring information for anyone who hosts events.
My Favorite Learnings from Priya Parker’s “The Art of ...
voltagecontrol.com/blog/my-favorite-learnings-from-priya …
 
Purposeful get-togethers and nights of conversation between friends can cement our relationships, start movements, and shape our memories for years. Priya Parker, a professional facilitator and the founder of Thrive Labs, asks us to re-imagine our approach to gathering in her new book The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters.
The Art of Gathering - Mindful
www.mindful.org/the-art-of-gathering/